A humongous spider was killed under my house by the furnace guy Mike this morning. He said it was the size of a baseball and it stared him down. He took my raid with him on the next trip and sprayed all the (ewe ick ewie ewe) (hold your breath when you read these next two words) spider eggs.The week after we buried Tim I thought there was a skunk under the house. The thought of it caused rapid breathing patterns for myself. And heart palpitations. Standing outside of the skunkified crawlspace of my home, I turned my face to the sky and I told Tim he better get that animal out of my house or I would indeed go mad and who would finish raising Mitch? People, I was on the verge, a girl can be pushed too far you know. The evidence of skunk vanished that very day. Cue eerie music that includes the harp.
So Tim. What are you thinking letting that gi-normous spider and the fruit of it's loins set up camp under the house? How am I expected to sleep and watch TV in this place now, knowing that monster spidies lived down there? (I'm using the past tense of live because if I get real and use present tense I would have to go throw up and then shake in the corner while eating my hair.)
Tim. Focus. Do your job. Provide. Protect. Don't make me have to ask you again. GOSH.
12 comments:
While grilling my dinner tonight Robert announced that a spider egg just hatched (we're talking just seconds before my jaw dropped) and hundreds of baby spiders were starting to crawl all over the deck. He suggested drownding them in water but no, no, no, I reached for the lighter and went to town on those tiny yellow worthless (in my opinion) creatures.
Then, I went out to turn the grill off 30 mintues later and some survivors were rebuilding a web. This time I took some paper, lit it on fire, and destroyed their fortress.
It felt good and eeeewwww so gross at the same time. The deed is done, now I just feel like the yellow baby spiders are crawling all over me and I think I must take a shower to stop the itching that is my consquence.
I will check the scene of the crime one more time tonight and if there is a single movement from those insects they will receive a can of HAIRSPRAY and LIGHTER as their consquence. That should do it.
The short of the long . . . I totally understand. And if Tim could send some help my way as well, I'd really appreciate it.
Good thing I'm not drinking anything because the "fruit of the loins" phrase put me over the edge. I hate that LOL thing, but truly, LOL.
oh mary. I am so sorry! I don't really mind spiders, but the size of a baseball....HOLY CRAP!
Emily, you are not helping
Oh, goodie - we get to tell spider stories now. Keep in mind I almost died after being bitten by spiders so I have "issues." But here is my favorite story so far. Recently there were travelers that ended up in the hospital with a strange flesh eating bacteria. After much investigation it seems that the common thread between all these victims was having used bathrooms in various third world countries. You guessed it - the unwitting toilet goer would sit on the toilet and the spider/s who were living on the underside of the toilet seat would bite their bum. I know, one more thing to worry about in a public bathroom! Diana made this comment - not Brent.
ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
forgot the !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
ewwwwwww! i'm totally sucking MY thumb right now!!!
hey mom, i checked your blog twice today because I'm bored AND avoiding going to the store to buy expensive eggs and sub-par bread. I love you. I'm glad that spider did not give birth at your house. I am selfish and I want to be the first to have a kid at your house. Maybe I should buy some more raid for my visit.
Sooo creepy.
We got the big wedding inviation in the mail this week. What a stinkin' adorable couple. We may leave it on the fridge forever.
I meant invitation... I really can spell - reelly I can :)
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