I have a crazy bird in my yard. It wacks itself into the window on the backside of my home. It is interrupting my TV time. Which is, duh, always. (Sidebar, I KNOW that it is unattractive to admit that I watch alot of TV. I know this. Yet I don't care what you think and I've sunk just that low.)Back to the bird.
It started about a month ago. It was banging into my window over and over. It would bam into the window, drop to the ground, then it would flap-struggle-flap-struggle to lift itself up, only to slam bam into the window again. And the blasted thing is slaming into the glass a million times during an episode of __________. (you fill it in, it could be anything).
The first day it happened, I got annoyed, and then I was forced by my thoughts to pony up to my guilt. Why wasn't I more compassionate for the helpless animals of the world? Why wasn't I checking to see if it was injured? A Nice Person would check. I may watch alot of tv, but am I a hard heart as well? My neighbor is a vet and loves animals. What would she think of how I was acting? She would recoil in disgust but hurt for my insensitivity. And she would refuse to collect my mail when I'm gone.
So guiltily I put on my shoes and take my broken toes and sigh loudly all the way outside to check on the stupid bird. It is nowhere. I hear nary a sound. I even bend over to look. I even lift up bushes and peer into the dark spidery places. Nothing. I hobble back into the house having proven to myself and the bird that I have feelings of caring for the helpless.
10 seconds later the wacking begins anew. I hang something up on the window (I heard that it helps) and go upstairs to my bedroom to watch TV. More evidence of kind-of-sort-of caring.
Days later, David and Lisa come over. They witness the slamming. Let it be stated that they thought I was exaggerating, but they quickly learned differently. David, scientific wizard that he is, notices that the bird is hitting the window with its feet. I immediately feel better. I'm not such a pathetic creep after all. I can tell because I felt better that it is not banging it's head or wing, but CHOOSING to bang its feet. Let it be noted. It's humiliating how much I need validation.
4 weeks later (Saturday) the stupid stupid bird is slamming not into just one window, but ALL FOUR of the windows on the back side of my house. Over and Over. All day long and into the evening, again and again, during my TV time.
Just for the benefit of my blog readers, Saturday night I counted 20 slams in 5 minutes. That is 240 slamajammas in an hour. I did the math because I can't watch my TV anymore. Last night I sat and watched the window that is most popular (covered now with birdy claw prints and slobery-doo ) and I think that there is more than 1 bird involved. And this morning I took a stroll outside: my new deck is covered in bird poop. Fresh Railings. Fresh Floor. Fresh Poop.
Can you see why I am exhausted??? I'm getting insane. Notice I didn't say going, I said getting. Insanity is being given to me.What are Obama and Hilary and McCain going to do for me?
What????
9 comments:
That is so funny. Have you ever thought to open the window and let the poor bird hang with you. Maybe it just wants to watch a little TV.
I feel for ya mom. We have seven dirty dogs and a family of goats that live around our apartment complex. They like to bark and baaah when I want to sleep. There are also these bird or insects (I can't tell what they are) that make squeeky noises all night long.
Maybe you should put super glue on your window to teach that bird a lesson.
I don't want to hang with the bird. I don't want to superglue it to my window. I want it to take it's poop and go to the woods where bird eating creatures live. There. I said it.
Is the feet wacking bird attracted to the wood on your new deck? Maybe the new wood on your deck used to house his nest and he wants his home back. So he's going to keep wacking his feet on your windows until you give it back. You're already a tree killer (you really didn't need that new deck) and soon you'll add bird killer to your resume. Then no neighbor will get your vacation mail. Not even The Youngs!
nice effort. the deck is made out of old milk jugs or like unto. it is that newfangled stuff that lasts forever. the bird should be thanking me profusely.
I hate that poopy bird
Obama will carry you to the clinic, Hillary will pay for your services, and McCain will ship you off to Iraq now that you are all better.
Oh, ya. They will do the same for the bird, too. We are all equals, ya know.
It's like they know.
We had a similar thing happen: We bought a brand spanking new Honda Pilot. We loved it. We rubbed it with fine oils and wrapped it in linen and nestled it in baby duck feathers every night. One week after its purchase, we made our way from IA to PA to look for houses, etc. While parked outside of a rest stop, some knucklehead opened his big van shotgun door into our driver's door and made a dent the size of a fist. Grrr.
So yah, do bird exterminators exist? I hope so, because I'm still looking for a good knucklehead exterminator.
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