Get this.
Today I stop at a Shell Station to purchase Shell Station stuff.
I'm inside the little shop that has the twinkies and honey roasted nuts. That's not what I bought. I'm paying. There are two creepy employees, just out of the penitentiary. You know the type, the kind with too many tats, shifty eyes, and sporatic facial hair.
Today I stop at a Shell Station to purchase Shell Station stuff.
I'm inside the little shop that has the twinkies and honey roasted nuts. That's not what I bought. I'm paying. There are two creepy employees, just out of the penitentiary. You know the type, the kind with too many tats, shifty eyes, and sporatic facial hair.
Creepy Employee: Mahame?
Me:
Creepy Employee: Maaaahaaame?
Me: (Am I Mahame?) Yes?
Creepy Employee: You have a bug goin' down your shirt there. (eyes look at my shirt and what's in it and going down it (not that there's anything that great going on in my shirt (frankly, I have seen better days) but truth be told I felt somewhat conspicuous so maybe I imagined the part I just told you. Not that I wanted that to be happening, because believe me I did NOT. ))
Me: (look down. A sort of beetley type bug is headed down my cleavage along my sunglasses that are stuck there. Does Creepy Employee have this view? THAT was my first thought.)
Ack! Ack! Ewe! Ick! Ack! Ahh! Eeee! OOO! ACK! EWE! OUI! YIKES! COUGH! SPUTTER! SPIT!(jump jump dance hop wiggle shuffle jump stomp stomp) (I have just moved every possible body part in front of two ex cons.)
Creepy Employee: he he he he
I pay, I give him the wrong amount, he corrects me, I give him the right amount, I forget to get my change, I have to go back and get my change after I'm half way out the door, (I am DISTRACTED) Creepy Employee is still he-he-he-ing me. Yep. I'm hilarious Creepy Employee. I drive 30 minutes to my Mother in Law's House.
I run to the restroom to rest. As I am sitting there resting, pulling off a few squares of Charmin, I look at the floor and I see the same bug that went down my cleavage, frantically scuttling across the floor as fast as it can. That was one stressed bug that had been trapped in my top for the better part of an hour. And because of being confined to one particular spot, my bug smashing bootie foot (try as it might) could not stretch quite far enough to reach it. I could have fallen. Please do not visualize.
Today, I was thrice creeped out. Maybe even more
Me:
Creepy Employee: Maaaahaaame?
Me: (Am I Mahame?) Yes?
Creepy Employee: You have a bug goin' down your shirt there. (eyes look at my shirt and what's in it and going down it (not that there's anything that great going on in my shirt (frankly, I have seen better days) but truth be told I felt somewhat conspicuous so maybe I imagined the part I just told you. Not that I wanted that to be happening, because believe me I did NOT. ))
Me: (look down. A sort of beetley type bug is headed down my cleavage along my sunglasses that are stuck there. Does Creepy Employee have this view? THAT was my first thought.)
Ack! Ack! Ewe! Ick! Ack! Ahh! Eeee! OOO! ACK! EWE! OUI! YIKES! COUGH! SPUTTER! SPIT!(jump jump dance hop wiggle shuffle jump stomp stomp) (I have just moved every possible body part in front of two ex cons.)
Creepy Employee: he he he he
I pay, I give him the wrong amount, he corrects me, I give him the right amount, I forget to get my change, I have to go back and get my change after I'm half way out the door, (I am DISTRACTED) Creepy Employee is still he-he-he-ing me. Yep. I'm hilarious Creepy Employee. I drive 30 minutes to my Mother in Law's House.
I run to the restroom to rest. As I am sitting there resting, pulling off a few squares of Charmin, I look at the floor and I see the same bug that went down my cleavage, frantically scuttling across the floor as fast as it can. That was one stressed bug that had been trapped in my top for the better part of an hour. And because of being confined to one particular spot, my bug smashing bootie foot (try as it might) could not stretch quite far enough to reach it. I could have fallen. Please do not visualize.
Today, I was thrice creeped out. Maybe even more
This post is true, and the saddest truest part is that no bugs were hurt in the making of this post.
8 comments:
H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S.!
What an awful ordeal. Now I feel like there are bugs crawling all over me. Das boot needs to kill more bugs.
Ewwwww, shiver, ewwwwww. Die bug, die!
that's why they need to legalize pepper spray again. i'm up for lobbying if you are.
You know me---I have NOTHING cute and clever to say, but why the heck aren't you making money writing a book?? You are hilarious Mary, and a breath of fresh air in my soul. Absolutely loved the flowers as well and want pics of your yard.
The stories broke the manotony of a 4th FHE in three months on 'couples'--that really stinks for my comp and I. I think we will quit going. Thanks for the relief. PS I got your invite of the darlings--wow, another perfect blond Garlock. Annie P.
I felt something crawling around in my shirt the entire time I was reading that. Creepy. I am glad you survived, I just might have died.
Yucky!!! The last line is my favorite of the entire post.
Because you have a current poll and I don't want to have to answer that I do not comment, I am commenting.
I visit your site and I realize more and more how I need to come everyday for a bit (whoops a whole heap) of sunshine.
You should write a book. Hilarious!
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