Pushing Back

Today I woke up to rain.  Big Rain.  It was before 7, and that is not my usual time.  I'm a sleeper inner.  Anyway, about the big rain.....  It was noisy, and gray and dismal, and the sun wasn't quite up.  I kind of groaned, because as I heard the rain, my thoughts turned to Jennifer.   Jennifer is a friend, not a close friend, but a friend non the less, and today, in the rain, the big rain, the noisy, big, gray and dismal rain Jennifer was burying her husband Doug.  Doug had succumbed to cancer after a 5 year war with it.  Doug used to hug me in the hall at church, his church being all finished and mine being about to start....and I would look at him and tell him I was so proud of him for shrinking the tumors in his lungs...then his brain...then his adrenal glands...then eventually his valiant try with his liver.  My stomach did a little lurching, thinking about Jennifer, and her family, going to the cemetery on this gray day.  So Not Fair.

I got to the funeral early, so I could maybe see her, and hug her, and tell her she could do it.  I did it all, I saw, I hugged, and I told.  Our eyes welled up with tears together, two women, not close friends, but nonetheless two women who had a shared experience of broken hearts.  I felt my stability shift just a bit.  My heart ached.  Ached mostly for her...but to be honest, it also ached for me. 

Its been 9 years since we have planned a funeral, dressed a body and had a burial day.  I have come a long way.  It has taken years and years. In those years I have learned better how to walk around with the wound that loss weaves into your fibers. Sometimes, however,  life has events that bring you back to the wound and you are reminded.  Reminded of it all:  the loss, the saddness, the grief.

Nevertheless,  I'm here to say that being pushed back to that place of sadness is OK.  I would even go so far as to say that it is Good. 

While they were bringing Doug into the chapel for the funeral, we all stood up out of respect.  I'm not going to lie, I started to struggle a little.   I felt an arm reach around my waist from the left.  Then I felt an arm from the right inch around my shoulders.  What is not Good about being reminded that you have people in your life who will help you bear your burdens?

While listening to Doug's children tell wonderful stories about their dad, I was sent back to the stories that my son told of his dad at our funeral.  What is not Good about being reminded that you had people in your life whose love trickled down: from them to you to your children and all around and back again?

While listening to a speaker teach the congregation about God's great plan of happiness, the Redeemer of Mankind, and the hope of an eternal  reunion on resurrection morning, I was transported to a place of hope and certainty of my beliefs.   What is not Good about being reminded of God's love for all mankind, and His plan to reunite families together forever?  What could be Better?

I believe that there is good, and I believe that there is evil in this world.  I believe that cancer is evil.  It destroys, it maims, it disfigures, it brings strong to weak.  Pure. Stinking. Evil.  I heard  a line from the funeral today, that was uttered right after Doug died. (paraphrasing here)

"Cancer has lost.  It did not win.  The cancer will not continue to grow and flourish, but is now dead, and deteriorating, lifeless, stagnant, and still.  Its remains are in a state of atrophy even now..  On the other hand, Doug has won.  He has beat the cancer, for he continues to live, to think, to feel, to care, to do, and to be.  He exists still, and he will continue on throughout eternity."

Good triumphs over evil.

Life triumphs over death.

Togetherness triumphs over loneliness,.

 Joy triumphs over sorrow.

A push back to that place, the place, while I wouldn't want it every day, is a blessed reminder of all things that are Good.

And since from time to time I have to be in the place,  I'm grateful that the place can also shine a bright light on the Good.

My wish is to soak up all that Good..... soak it up just as fast as humanly possible.