I'm a first time caller. Er, Uh, I mean I've never done one of these 12 step programs before. Is this a 12 stepper? Anyways, I'm a newbie. In every respect of the word.
Anyway, I've kind of started a new life here, but I'm finding that I'm running into a couple of problems. I used to be thin. Big boned, large noggin', yet skinny and scrawny in a lovable kind of way. But as life does, things have turned on a dime. I'm finding that I am becoming obsessed. With eating. And not only am I obsessed with eating, but I am gaining weight like you wouldn't believe. I took a tubby yesterday, and I noticed this
Yep. Back fat. SO disheartening. I kind of sat all floppy for awhile after that, and I'll admit it. I cried a little. Such a baby.So I did some thinking. I can't go around with all this back fat, but right after I thought that I found myself distracted, thinking about this.
Yeah. I KNOW. Looks scrumpdillyumptious doesn't it? And then I had one of those light bulb moments. Yep. My first one. I, for the first time in my life, became self aware:I AM OBSESSED WITH DAIRY.
It's all I think about. 24/7. I've tried humming my favorite hymn, but the dairy just keeps popping in there. I find myself wistful about this
And then without even noticing it I move onto this
Which naturally moves on to this
Which pretty much sums it up for me these days. Dairy. Joy. I think those two words have the same delicious meaning. C'mon. They do and you know it.
In my short little life, I already know they have the same meaning. Experience has taught me that when you fill up your empty belly with dairy, and you not only fill it but you fill it so full that you can't stand it anymore, that it causes you to throw your head back and shut your eyes and let you let your jaw just hang open like no one else is in the room and then you have to let out all the air in your lungs because there's no more room in your body for even air so that leaves you feeling what I like to call dairy drunk. You might even drool a little bit. And it is pure pure joy. That's what I'm talking about Mister.
Which brings us to this. I mean it. What about this? I was thinking about this the whole time I was telling that story about dairy drunk
This seems like something akin to paradise. I want to marry a Dairy Queen someday. Blonde. With blue eyes. Lover of Dairy.Getting off track here. So the other night? When my grandmommocita was holding me, I was sleeping, and I was smiling. And then I laughed. And then I sighed. And then I purred. Yep. You guessed it. Can't even stop thinking about it in my sleep:
Look at all that dairy. A thing of beauty, no? I can't think of anything more lovely, or of good report. I can't think of anything. I dare you to either. I double or triple dog dare you because I just saw a commercial for Christmas Story.I'll tell you what though. This here lady, she's lucky for a couple of reasons.
All the dairy she wants. AND IN A BUCKET! Someday. I tell you, SOMEDAY I'm going to take a ride on that there gravy train. Thinking about milk in a bucket right this minute, just in case you wanted to know.
See how bad it's getting? Here's more: the other day, I was in the Dr.'s office, and I innocently picked up a magazine. Before you knew it I had filled out and mailed in the subscription card for this
And I have no cash so it was tricky. And let's just say that Grandma is not so pleased because now her address is going to be sold to catalogues that sell cow stuff. Not great.
So I beg you. Take pity. On me. I got on the internet and I know you have things to help people like me.
Because for heavens sakes, when I'm not thinking about milk, I consuming it.
So hurry up. Because there happens to be all kinds of weird stuff on the internet that just is not true.
So if you have to, put this on your frig. Or on your bathroom mirror, where you will see it.
Thank you for understanding,Very truly yours,
Henry R. SnugglieBaby
P.S. Oh, and since it's almost December, please have a Merry Christmas.
6 comments:
Your Ode' to Dairy has taken me down memory lane. Oh, how I miss my dairy. I could eat 2-3 bowls of cereal a day without even trying. But alas, my baby doesn't like it at all. So until she is weaned from the boob-juice I will just have to let you enjoy all that delicious dairy for me. And I think you are the perfect canidate to enjoy it for me. Thanks!
I hope you choose to try OA. It can help with any food obsession. It did for me. Mine was more "omni". I could and did overeater pretty much anything within reach. I came to OA at a bit over 300 pounds and today, I weigh in at 170. More importantly, I form of sanity has been restored. Food is no longer an obsession, most of the time.
Give OA a try. :-)
Oh, my goodness! I love Mamacita's blog - always something SO entertaining to read. I just about laughed myself off my chair, because I didn't get that it was the baby "writing" until about halfway down the posting, then the twin bottles of milk really made sense!
Oh, Mamacita, I am sure you are just a kick to be around - heavens knows I've enjoyed your blog. Keep it up, girl!
Mary, This is Ketti and Marge's sister Pam. Ketti said that your blog was the best one ever. I got your link from Shelby. You are funny funny (the dairy)and tender smart (Tim)and the grandma stuff rings my chimes (I have 7 of those precious grandkids). Thanks for sharing your briliant and slightly warped mind.
But, but, where are the boobs?? :) Just kidding!!!!!
Ha Ha! My Hannah-Bear (that's what we call her) must have the same problem! Hmmm...I wonder if it is a Garlock gene! Too bad they're cousins, because if Henry is going to marry a blonde hair-blue eyes girl that likes dairy just as much as he does, well Hannah-Bear is his match! Whoever said "kissing cousins" are gross!! Hope you guys have a Merry Christmas up there! You should visit us here is the warmth soon!!
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