I Should be in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. You Know I Should.

Today, while the Baby Mama and I were watching this young man on General Conference,

I disclosed a deep dark secret to her. I have always wanted to be in the Mo Tab.

Always.

Only I can't really sing like those ladies (you can tell they can all sing well....they sing with their eyes closed or their eyes buggin out and their mouths really open wide.)

I have emotional baggage about singing with my mouth open really wide, because in fourth grade I was standing in front of the class with a group of other kids, singing for the rest of the class, and we were singing that "Gloria" Christmas song, and I was really getting into it and I had my mouth open as wide as it would go, just Gloria-ing my little 9 year old heart out (probably with my eyes closed) (probably bobbing somewhat in place.) and I noticed that there were some boys who were pointing and laughing and I think to myself: who are they laughing at and after a reality check or two I realized it was me. I instantly knew that I would now be known as

a. Tonsil Girl

b. That weirdo Gloria singer.

I spent recess in the bathroom. And I was miles away from puberty when this tragedy happened, so we can't blame it on that. My fragile little singer psyche was bruised. I didn't try out for choir in high school until it was too late. I walked into tryouts and suddenly became aware that all the other kids were singing operatic vibrato. How did I miss learning how to do that?

Anyway.

Here are the reasons why I would fit in with and should be in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Totally discounting singing ability and taking into account desire. In no particular order:

Reason #1

I think that I would really enjoy all the trips

I've never been to Rushmore. Or Russia. Or China. Or the Olympics. Or the Inauguration of a President of the United States.

Reason #2

I could really be valuable in keeping their fashion sense afloat. In fact, this could be my special job. My speciality if you will. I might put the ladies in suits. From Chicos. JUST KIDDING. Not about the suits part. I really think this would be a good job for me because there's nowhere to go but up. There's only improvements to be had.

Not that this example has anything to do with the Mo Tabs, (it just demonstrates my skilz) but today, during the afternoon session of conference, they had a children's choir, and the little girls were all in pastels. I wouldn't do that. And some of the little girls had satin dresses on. I wouldn't do that. Not good on every body type. I think I would go for crisp and not flow-ie. I think I would go for less not more. (less fabric bunched up in a little sequined gather thingy at the hip) I think I would consult Christian Dior. Or Channel. Or whoever is designing Sarah Palin's beautiful beautiful suits.

I mean why not? Those CD sales are up. Spend some, make some. In fact, now that I'm on this roll, I'm thinking an outfit for the Mo Tab Ladies would be an EXCELLENT challenge on Bravo's Project Runway.

Wouldn't that be AMAZING??? Mo Tab singers stomping down the runway to Mo Tab Music in front of Heidi Klum? So if elected, you now know what I'd do. So pick me. Love me. Then I'd not only be in that awesome choir, but I'd get a rocking suit.

Reason #3:

Once we got the outfits under control, we could make them in lots of different colors. Colors that I might look good in. Because if I look good in red,

or Blue,

then you know that the rest of the choir is going to look good too, because we all pretty much have the same coloring. Check it out. It's true and you know it.

Reason #4

I have the essential over 50 afro hair do. (see above) Again. Perfect fit. Can't deny.

Reason #5

I would have the opportunity to feel wonderful things.

How or why would you deny me feeling wonderful things, after all I've been through having two broken legs (OK, feet but I get extra points because there were two) at my son's wedding?

Reason #6

I could go around saying things like, "Oh, I'm unavailable on Thursday because I have to go practice with this choir I'm in, maybe you've heard of them, they're the world famous Mormon Tabernacle Choir and I'm in it now because I am an amazing singer finally."

Reason #7

If I happened to be so utterly fortunate to realize my fondest dream and be in the choir, you could hunt for Mommacita whenever you see the choir on the BYU Channel. It would be extra fun for you. And your entire family. You all would feel like you know a celebrity (me) when you say to your preschooler or the person you live with: Hey, there's that lady we know who writes a blog sometimes except when her daughter comes to live with her then she becomes a total slacker.

Reason #8

I would really really really think yea on me.

PS. If you are from my ward, and you are involved in the ward choir (and your name might possibly be Wettlauf.... and this blog makes you think: Hey we need to be getting that Mommacita coming to ward choir; then you need to get one of those reality checks performed on yourself by a health professional because I'm not such a great singer. Insurance will probably not cover that reality check. At least mine never has. Anyway, no ward choir wants me. I just like the Mo Tabbers. And I long to be with them. So back away.