For Larsa, and KitKat

Saturday night as I was traveling home from a family reunion, I had a moment of self awareness.

It was about 10:00 at night, dark, I was alone, and I had left the radio off because frankly I needed the quiet of the car. I was thinking about the day, a day spent with a portion of my husband's family. Sometimes I have anxiety before such an event, because I never know what I'm going to feel in the midst of His People.

Don't get me wrong, I love them, and I enjoy them, but sometimes I notice his absence more than I would in everyday life. I like it when things remind me of him, but I don't particularly like to be blind sighted (or is it sided?) with emotion that has been placed on the shelf. I'm pretty good about that now days, but still. I like to be braced. As it turned out, I need not have given it a second thought....the day was filled with normalcy. And fun.

As I was zipping down the dark freeway, there was a semi truck behind me with it's brights on. Annoying. So I pulled over into the right lane. I immediately relaxed. My eyes, my hands, my neck, my back: all relaxed. And as I continued to drive, I said to myself, almost out loud: I really really like the right hand lane when I'm traveling alone in the dark.

I travel on that same road, at about the same time of night at least once a week. And I always find myself meandering over into the right hand lane. During the day I wouldn't be caught dead in the right hand lane. In fact, I spend a lot of time gunning past people in the passing lane.

But at night? When I'm alone on the road? When I'm more vulnerable? When I can't see the horizon off in the distance? When the path is dark and unfamiliar? I'm a right hand laner. All the way. The street light shines brighter on the right lane. There is an unbroken painted line just to the right to guide you. There is more protection, because no one travels on the shoulder that is to your right. You can move a little slower if you need to and nobody minds because, hey, who wants to travel in the right hand lane?? I feel safer with all that light and paint and protection and slowness around me. And it has just become my way. When I have people in the car with me, I don't move over there. But doing it alone? Well, it just feels better.

As I was thinking about how great the right hand lane feels in the dark, I asked myself if I was a right hand laner in other aspects of my life. The answer is yes. If I'm in the dark, I will always maneuver myself into a safer place, so I can at least feel relaxed in the dark. Traveling alone in the dark takes extra concentration, and because of the effort, you find yourself falling back on everything that has become a habit. The familiar is your go to. The familiar helps you inch yourself along as you proceed forward into the unknown.

Looking back at my times of right lane-ness, I appreciate that I was taught to travel closer to light. I appreciate that I was taught to look for the guide lines next to me, because since I was unsure of direction, I had to decide to trust that they worked. They did. I was glad I knew there was some sort of protection out there, just off to my right. A place where I could slow down or maybe park in, if I needed to regroup or ask for help. My habits rescued me. While in the dark, my habits, my familiar, became the catalyst to keep rolling forward.

I don't know why we have to have those times where we are forced into the right hand lane. But the one thing I do know is that we can do it. I definitely know that if required, we can travel there. And traveling in the right hand lane will still get us to our destination, as planned.


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