Text Messages to My Kids that Quite Frankly Crank

Hidee Ho there kids! Tis the Season! I can't just sit here and watch the Olympics without thinking about my swimming ex boyfriend who took that Olympic oath about not doping. A sorrow that has not healed, even if Subway thinks that we've forgotten.

I'm cuddled up on the leather couch with my hand crocheted afghan and Mitch's mono-infected pillow that is filled with those little pellet thingies so you can punch it or swing it about during speed skating. Since I lack anyone to high five when the moment calls for the high five, I've been texting the kids like crazy. Since I have to pay 5 cents for every text, I thought this might be cheaper:

Olympic text #1

Dear Everybody,
You know those white cushioney maybe made out of leather or possibly pleather couches that the freestyle skiers sit on after they compete? Well I think they are heated. And they look really comfortable. So yeah, I think I'd be liking one of those for Christmas for my bedroom. Just in case you were wondering what I might have on my wish list.

Much Love,
Your Adoring and Deserving Mommacita Who Happens to be a Widow


Olympic text #2

Dear Pregnant One,
I think it would be more than OK if you wanted to possibly use Apollo as a middle name. It would work for a boy for sure, and a girl if you added 'ette' (as in Danette) or you could just tack an 'a' on the end (as in Roberta, so it would end up Apolloa) or 'anne' (as in Larryann). Your dad always liked boy names for girls.

Be Sure And Keep Down Those Vitamins,
Mommacitanne


Olympic Text #3

Dear Glitch (my favorite fashionistas),
Did you happen to catch Tom Brokaw's outfit on the night of the opening ceremony? Did you wonder if he forgot his sports jacket so he borrowed that gold thing from some BOTS (bum off the street)? Did you wonder why he paired it with that blue shirt with the white collar and cuffs? Could you just hear Tim saying "What man wears a shirt with white collars and cuffs?" Yeah, me too.

And Did you think that Tom picked out his tie in the dark because it was navy and red or maybe some other color I can't remember now because I've tried to purge it from my memory? Were you afraid that once you let your hair go gray that you would most assuredly loose your ability to coordinate your outfits, even the ones that are really really important because you are going to be seen by the world in them? Yes?

Me Too. We're twinners!

H&M-ly yours,
Mommacita

Olympic Text #4

Dear Jen,
Do you miss that Mo-Tabbie song from 2002 that swelled and peaked and made you just feel like you were king of the world? I know I do. Do you think you'd have time to learn it on the piano for my next visit?

No Pressure I'm Just Your,
Mommacitainlaw

Olympic Text #5

Dear Everyone,
Two things. First of all, I'm quite taken with freestyle skiing. Second, the guys who announce it? Have you listened to those guys? No? Well I did, and I'm passing on my newly adopted freestyle-skiing-cool-announcer-guy vocabulary to YOU! Work these gems into to your conversations at work, school or play and people will immediately want to be your best-ie. Here you go:

Blister, Cranking, Open Throttle, Bottom out, Boomerang, Dawg, Tight, Big, Minor, Huge, Roll by the tail, Buck, Ding, Off the top, Smokin' (not to be confused with smoking which is not at all as cool), Qualies, In the Zone, Outacontrol, Go large, Flow off the top, Clutch, D-S-Q'ed, Uncorked, Throw down, and my personal favorite: Put the hammer down.

All my uncorked Love,
Mommacitadawg

Olympic Text #6

Dear Jaqueo,
Since you are in the athletic world professionally now, could you please answer me this? What product is Shawn White using on his hair? I dig those Farrah curls that were not there at the last Olympics. Question: Can athletes get that stuff for free and still compete? Just wanted to know if I should take up snowboarding, because if there's anything that I consider synonymous with great hair, it's snowboarding. USA! USA! USA!

Inquiring minds, and all that,
Will-do-anything-for-freebies-Mommacita


Olympic Text #7

Dear Dubers,
So the US athletes seem to all have really really white teeth. Can you hook me up at the dental school? That would be huge. Don't forget to use that cool freestyle vernacular in everyday life. When you're root canaling the guys with the pony tails, they will Roll by the tail fo sho.

Your best patient,
Mommacitasmiles

Just a Regular Text #8

Dear Blogspot.com,
What is the dealio? I have not been able to download any pictures to go with this post. All I get is words. Don't you know that when you make fun of someone's outfit you HAVE to have a visual to make it major? Don't you realize that my text about Shawn White would have been smokin off the top with pictures? Now it is just ding. Blogspot, you are D-S-Q'ed in my book. It's time to throw the hammer down and blister your way out of this mess. Next time, I expect you to qualie.

No love here,
NotyourMommacita


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