Adventures in Dysentery

My goal here is to write a tasteful post about vomiting and diarrhea, as moronic as that sounds. There will, by the way, be no visuals. I wish to maintain my Mommacita self respect here. My dignity has been compromised enough lately.

Exactly one week ago tomorrow, I ate a little something that wasn't supposed to be eaten, and found myself in the land of the Purge. As I lay on the bathroom floor moaning, (being quick to jump up as per required), and in between thoughts of wanting to blow my brains out, I began to wax philosophical. It's times like these where the Teacher really pounds in those lessons, because the learner is paying attention like crazy. Finally.

So I, the learner, decided that if every lesson we were supposed to learn on earth was taught in such a manner (if you eat that salmon lying there on that buffet, you will pay and pay and pay right into your toilet bowl) then we might not go around learning and relearning what not to do. Case in point: I have learned my lesson. I will never again eat salmon on a buffet as long as I live. So-ooooooo not worth it. Well, I'm guessing it was salmon, because I'm not willing to rule out cake yet.

Anyway, I came up with a list of things that we as humans need to stop doing, things that should have the consequence of dysentery. I really think this would solve some of the world's greatest issues.

1. For the first item on my list, let's just include war, greed, man's inhumanity toward man, child abuse, murder, and every other crime that would end you up in prison. The bigger the crime the badder and the longer the dysentery. And I realize badder is not a real word. Anyway, our prisons would just be big huge bathrooms with a little cushion at the foot of the throne. And maybe the 'good behavior' prisoners would get a little cushion on the throne, to lay their aching head upon. Bernie Madoff, you would never leave the john. You too Ted Bundy.

2. Lying. If you tell a lie, then you are hit immediately. No waiting to get to the bathroom, just boom, there it is. There's no hiding it. Oh the lying in this world would decrease exponentially I tell you. And there'd be no more lying to yourself. When you tell yourself that your relationship with sugar is through, it would really be through. Or Boom....not so pretty. And just think of what this would mean for the newspapers, the politicians, the newscasters. We'd only hear reports on who is stuck in the men's room. Or ladies room. That might be fun.

3. Bad Music. Now this one is a little sticky. Because if you write bad music, not only you get hit with dysentery (man's inhumanity toward man) but everyone who hears your music would get hit as well. Bad music would be put to rest. A cosmic, natural censorship would take place. The world would learn self control. I'm for it.

4. Environmentalism. Now don't get me wrong. I love the earth, and I feel a personal responsibility to take care to it's beauty. But if people who litter were hit with the big D, then I wouldn't have to pay the 5 cent deposit on my cans. Yesterday I had to pay $1.80. And now I have to drag those empty cans back to the store. I HATE that. I hate saving them, I hate baggin them up, I hate loading them in the car, I hate putting them in the stupid machines and I hate the whole sticky process. As a plus, we would never have to listen to people argue about the environment. We'd just all do our part, to avoid the immediate unpleasant. And the intense cramping that goes along with it. Because believe you me, if somebody littered their can, and then they were hit with my consequence, then people would avoid the litterer like the plague. Oh a shunning would take place. And then there'd be more consequences. And more shunning. Until all the shunning and littering and polluting would stop forever. And I'd never have to bag up my cans ever ever again. Smiling just thinking about it.

5. You and I both know this list could go on forever. I think I have made my point. If you have more you would like to add, I'm open. But let's just say, that this whole experience affected me just like seeing the "Ten Commandments" did when I was a 10 year old child. I came out of the theater solemnly swearing that I would never ever commit another sin. Likewise, I would do anything to avoid another experience with Adventures in Dysentery. And so would all the liers, criminals cheaters, polluters and bad musicians out there.

And that's nothing but simple honest truth telling. And you can check me out on that . wink winkers.


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