She's sitting there with that mask strapped to her face singing her little 3 year old heart out about Jesus. And nobody cares.
Nobody tells her to take it off. Nobody asks if it is pinching her head. Nobody tells her that tigers don't belong in church. Nobody tried to take it off of her and put it on themselves. Nobody laughed at her. Nobody compliments her on it. Nobody says it doesn't match her outfit. She was just allowed to sit there looking through two holes that had been punched through orange foam. It was messing up her hair.
Last night, when I was getting ready for bed, as I took off that undergarment that only we ladies wear I noticed it was probably getting time for me to go in and get measured and fitted for a new undergarment that only we ladies wear.
And I heaved a big sigh.
My neighbors could hear it.
I hate new undergarments that only we ladies wear. And here's why:
1. They are expensive. I believe in quality undergarments that only we ladies wear, because, hello, we wear them EVERY day, ALL day. There are no breaks except for the days we stay in our pajamas. You get what you pay for in undergarments that only we ladies wear. And Hello. Economy Eblonomy. It's a problem I tell you.
2. After wearing old worn out undergarments that only we ladies wear, breaking in a new undergarment is like walking around in a band aid that is pulling at the hairs on your arm. You are noticing it all the time.
3. Your old worn out undergarments that only we ladies wear are like old friends. You have to say goodbye. And they can't even go in the Good Will bag because they flew past that point 2 years ago. They have to go in the garbage. Which brings me to another question: Are we supposed to put them through the shredder? Because you could find out alot about me by examining my old undergarment that only we ladies wear.
4. There's the awkwardness of the dressing room fitting. I don't care how non threatening the sales clerk is, and I don't care how pink they make that measuring tape.....Having someone measure you there, WRITE IT DOWN, and then bring you in a bunch to try on (waving them around through the store shouting "these are for Mommacita"...OK they don't do that but it almost feels like they do) and they burst through the door with them while your standing there half neked with mirrors 360 degrees around you....it is not my finest hour. I do not throw my chest out and declare Come to Mama. I cower in the corner and suck my thumb and humbly apologize for offending the pink measuring tape.
5. I do not wish for anyone to try and sell me Spanx at any time, in any thing or in any place. Especially while buying undergarments that only we ladies wear. No, this did not happen to me, but it might have gone through my mind when I thought about the salesperson bursting through the door.
I am loco, no?
So back to last night, when all of the above went through my head when I took note of my undergarment that only we ladies wear, I wondered why I have to conform. If some people can wear tigermasks whenever they want and get away with it, why do ladies have to wear undergarments that only ladies wear? Who decided this expensive, constrictive rule? Aren't I happiest in my pajamas? Is this the reason? Is someone trying to restrict my freedoms? Did I just have an Aha moment?
And right then, right as I thought I might be having an Aha moment, someone in the cosmos who loves me very very much warned me that I was getting awfully close to wearing purple and a red hat.
Enough said cosmos.
Today I will make an appointment for a fitting.
And I will not be blogging about it.
8 comments:
You are hilarious! (This is Leigh's sister in law by the way, Becky). I would definitely shred the bra if I were you. I've also been surprised at how comfortable those bra ladies are at molesting we innocent customers. I certainly feel defiled after such fittings. All the while I have to keep saying, "this is natural, this is what they do, it's only a job and they, like doctors, must have seen enough of these things to have become desensitized. I hope. You know, purple and red don't look too bad together, you just need to pick the right shades.
You are hilarious!
Here's my suggestion - if you make a tiger mask for yourself, then decide to wear pj's for the rest of your life without a "support garment", and wear the mask EVERYWHERE, I can guarantee nobody's going to be looking south of your face, if you get my drift.
Just a suggestion, of course!
I don't usually 'lol,' as it's called in the tech-y world....but as I read this, I TOTALLY laughed out loud. I love you Mary!!!!!!
Orion and Paige told me about this little girl yesterday. Of course their version of the story had nothing to do with undergarments that only women wear. That would have been weird.
Oh, but Mommacita, you must blog about your lingerie department visit. Even if it's boring. We're hanging on the edge of our seats here. Did she really go? Did she stick to the big red star store or did she go to the pink stripe store? THAT wouldn't be boring. All girl, all day, that store.
And if you are able to include the phrase "Come to Mama" in as hilarious a manner, yet give it a fresh twist, you will be Blog Queen.
That one tipped me out of my chair.
Mom, I think you crossed the bust line with this one
After working for over a year with a whole bunch of 'senior' living folks, I do indeed believe there is a time when ladies are like, "To heck with it" and just go for tucking them in their waist band.
And I'm not joking... if I was a statistician (which I'm not) I'd say 95% of all the 'senior' ladies I helped get dress did not wear these supportive undergarmets anymore. So just give youself a few more decades and you can live free like the rest of them!
bust line...good one Jake. Good one mom too. Maybe. Only if it was for entertainment and not for predicting the near future for yourself. Miss you.
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