Curvature of the Self Esteem Spine

If you were to look at me right this second, you would see me , with boots, and with a spine that is in the shape of a dental chair. And you would think to yourself: Mommacita looks liken she's been trippin on some really bad acid.

I went to the school yesterday, the school where the pretend dentists turn into real live ones. I got worked over. I was a patient. Dubes was the pretend Dentist that spouted off all this authority. And guess how long the appointment was? No, really, I want you to guess.

An hour? SCOFF! 2 hours? SNORTIE SNORT! Try 4 HOURS of my earthly existence that I'll never get back. Let's pretend that you're interested in what happened there. Read on. If you see alot of um's it's because of mommacita embarrassment:

For starters, I was told by my son that my oral hygiene was poor. WHAT? Um hello. Yes I brush. I taught YOU how to brush. Twice a day. YES sir, I'm sure I brush TWICE a day. Um. ok, not as diligent on the flossing. You know Mr. Pretend Dentist, usually when the REAL Dentist who has earned a REAL diploma looks in my mouth my teeth have just been professionally cleaned.

When was the last time cleaning took place you ask? January.

Yes, I'm aware I'm due for another cleaning. Why don't you get out a scrapey tool Mr. Pretend. Dentist.? That's reserved for the 4 hours I'll be spending in the chair NEXT WEEK? Jumping up and down now. Jumping up and down now with a curved spine. And bootz.

You want me to WHAT? Chew up a pink pill to show the world my plaque? What is this, SECOND GRADE? I remember doing this in second grade. Are you going to call all the other little Pretend Dentists over to scoff and giggle? Because I remember the scoffing and giggling part in second grade.

And after that you plan to show me my pink teeth in a hand mirror? Um um um. (I'm noticing every station has hand mirrors that are exactly alike. I used to change your diapers mister. You better be careful if you offer me that hand mirror).

Just in case you're wondering, my tongue is still a bright fuchsia. Do you even care ABOUT THAT? Wouldn't THAT be considered at least really really gross hygiene? Whatcha gonna do about that? huh? HUH?

What? We're not done yet? And now you're going to make me bite into wax and then screw on a headpiece that connects it to my ears and nose? Did you dig that equipment out of a box that said 1955 on it because I think I saw that equipment in the movie "Monsters That Scared People in 1955". Hey, wait, don't you want to get a picture of me with something screwed to my skull that is clipped to my nose and wrapped around my big fat ears while I am wearing my bootz? Don't you want to document Mommacita the freak for all to see? Um to the umst.

And then you're going to take impressions of my teeth? Like when I had braces? I get to wipe that rubber gunk off of my tongue and cheeks and chin again in this lifetime?

This is all I've got to say. I am one terrific Mommacita. And I really must love that little pretend dentist of mine.

Poor Hygiene my foot. Not that my feet are anything to brag about.

PS Happy 4th Anniversary Dubes. You picked a darling gal, and I'm ever so proud of you.

PSS But I'm pretty sure you liked making my mouth pink. Was it payback for that little grounding in 8th grade that you totally deserved by the way and after today I'm not at all sorry, not an eensy beensy bit?